Macaroni Kid is excited to announce a new monthly feature sponsored by Impact Parenting. Q & A with Liann is your chance to ask those tough parenting Questions ... and get some good Answers!
Carrie A. - mom of a 3.5 year old - says, "It seems like the "terrible twos" get a bad rap. But I'd take the twos over the threes ANY day! If my son says, "No, it's not!" one more time when I tell him he's saying rude/snotty things, I'm gonna lose it! Time outs no longer effective...any ideas?"
Great question and totally authentic feelings about what are called the "terrible twos." The problem is that not all kids hit the developmental stage that causes the power struggles in their twos. Some children hit the stage at 18 months, others not until four years old. But no matter what it is a stage that makes most parents frustrated and they have no idea where their sweet, compliant child went.
So, how does a parent handle this developmental stage? First, parents need to understand that their child is reacting normally. The child has moved from "Needs" to "Wants." He NEEDS milk, he WANTS it in the blue cup. Prior to this stage, he just needed milk and did not care what kind of a cup. Now he cares and gets a lot of control and power from his WANTS.
Smart parents recognize the stage and respond in two ways:
1. Give a lot a choices to the child when things are going well. Choices feed the child's need for power and control but because it is a choice the parent is happy with, everyone wins. Here are the rules from Parenting with Love and Logic ® around choices:
* Offer two choices you are happy with
* Only offer choices when there is not resistance
* If the child does not choose in 10 seconds, you choose for them
2. Staying calm when your child challenges your authority. Anger and frustration fuel misbehavior, every time!
The key in good parenting is always staying calm. Love and Logic offers a simple tool called "Empathic One-liners" You can check them out on the Love and Logic Website: www.loveandlogic.com/pages/oneliners.html
So, Carrie, here is my encouragement to you. Try to give your child 20 choices per day around things you do not care about such as which shirt to wear; the red or the blue? What cup to drink out of; the orange or the pink one? You get the idea. When your child is bring rude or does not want to choose the choice you have given, just use a empathetic one-liner to calm him but do not give in to his demands.
The choices usually prevent the power struggles and the empathy allows parents to set limits. This is a powerful combination to help your child move through the "Terrible Twos" and develop self-control. By the way, that is what is suppose to develop from the power struggle stage of the terrible twos; self-control. Hard stage but totally worth it in the long run!
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Liann Smith is an independent facilitator of the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent® cirricula. She is also the mother of three grown children as well as a foster parent of two little ones. Impact Parenting is a non-profit based in North Bend and offers parent coaching (on location, in office, or by phone) as well as Love and Logic classes.
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If YOU have a question for Liann, please leave a comment below or send an email to danav(at)macaronikid(dot)com. Liann will be providing answers again the first week of March.
