"It's different this time ... isn't it?" my husband asked hesitantly while rubbing my belly the other night.
That statement/question has been bouncing around inside my head all week. I have to agree with my husband; it is different this time. I've been trying to wrap my brain around the differences. How it's different. Why it's different. What's different about it.
Oh, and by "this time," I am referring to my second pregnancy ... just in case I lost you along the way, which is likely to happen when things have been bouncing around my head for any amount of time.
The only thing that seems remotely comparable ... the only way I can think to explain it ... is to think about the first kiss I shared with my (now) husband.
That first kiss was anticipation
and electricity (almost tangible)
and blissful ignorance
and blind hopefulness
and trust all wrapped up with a big red bow.
Now, don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of other amazing, memorable, electrifying kisses shared between us ... in our 6 years of courtship and 11 years of marriage. But that first kiss - on my parent's front porch in a March snowstorm - is forever etched in my memory. Actually, it so much deeper than just my brain; it's engraved in my senses. It was a first, and there's something truly special about a first.
My first pregnancy was so much the same way.
The anticipation was like Christmas morning over and over again. Each milestone (doctor appointments, ultrasounds, movement, belly growth) was relished and documented and celebrated. I was constantly learning about the changes my body was going through, and then I was left to wonder when delivery would happen and what it would feel like.
And, I swear I was literally buzzing for the majority of my pregnancy. I felt like I was emitting my own wavelengths of energy. I was glowing from the inside out. There were times when I tingled from head-to-toe ... just like that first kiss that I felt all the way in my toes! So much of my energy was spent thinking about that baby growing inside me.
As much as I read and researched during my first pregnancy, I also remained blissfully unaware (or at least unconcerned) of the potential complications women experience - all the time. I truly believed that conception was the tough part and as long as I took care of myself, that baby growing inside me would take care of the rest. I never seriously considered the possibility of anything other than giving birth to a healthy baby ... happily ever after.
All of this is not to say - not even imply - that my second pregnancy hasn't been joyful (aside from the contractions starting at 22 weeks). It's just different ... mainly because I know what I know, I've experienced what I've experienced, I've been there, done that.
Rather than pioneering a new frontier, I am revisiting a familiar place.
I know the routine of each OB appointment.
I know that first trimester kicks your tail.
I know the energy burst - and need to nest- of the second trimester.
I know the discomforts and agonizing wait of the third trimester.
I know that there is little choice in cravings - resistance is futile.
I know what fetal movement and contractions feel like.
I know the sensation of my water breaking.
I know the indescribable feelings of holding your baby for the first time.
I can't un-know those things, a fact that is both reassuring and disheartening. I guess that's how it's different this time. I know what I know (and I like not knowing as much as I like knowing).
There's still anticipation; I cannot wait to meet my second daughter.
There's still an electricity - but it's somewhat dulled by the demands of caring for a two year old.
The ignorance has been replaced by many, many stories of friends and friends of friends who had a much different pregnancy and birth story from my own. I have a deeper appreciation but also a stronger level of concern.
Of course, I am still emphatically hopeful of a healthy outcome. And I trust my body to see me through another pregnancy and delivery just as it did the first time.
From one pregnancy to the next, some things never change ... like the fact that your baby and belly grow larger and larger with each passing day! Or the remarkable sensation of feeling your baby's movement. I can't help but enjoy every bump and marvel at the fact that I am growing a baby! Within a matter of months, I will have another daughter. First time. Second time. I don't care who you are, that's exciting!
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Before Dana became a Macaroni Kid publisher, she was a mommy blogger. These thoughts were originally shared at mommybrainnw.blogspot.com in September 2009.
