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Q & A with Liann

Potty Talk & Sibling Bossiness

By Liann Smith, Impact Parenting March 16, 2011

Macaroni Kid is excited to announce a new monthly feature sponsored by Impact Parenting.  Q & A with Liann is your chance to ask those tough parenting Questions ... and get some good Answers! 

From Jenny - My girls (2 and 3) know that their Dad and I do not approve of "potty talk". The problem right now is that they make each other laugh with certain words they say, so they are encouraged by the other one to continue. We've tried empathy and consequences when they do it in front of us, and it works in the short term, but they keep doing it while they are playing with each other. I don't want them to think it's okay to do this in front of other people, so how do I get them to stop with each other?

Two ideas:

  1. Whenever they use “potty talk” consequence them both immediately upon hearing the words. Next, after everything is calm and they are done in their time-out. Talk with both of them about other words they can use instead of the potty talk. The Love and Logic® tool you are using is “Ownership of the Problem.” It flows like this: “ OK girls it is time to come out. So glad you were able to calm down but reallllllllly sad you made the choice to use potty words, so sad. What do you think are some better words to use instead of potty words?” Then brainstorm better words with them. When they use the better words, praise them by saying “I noticed that you used your better words than those yucky potty words, I noticed that, yea!”

Another idea, especially for a bit older child:
  1. When the words are used, announce an Energy Drain and walk away for a few minutes. Then, when you would normally do something fun with the girls like go to park or play with them; say “ Girls, this so sad, remember when you drained my energy by using potty words with each other? Well that was the same energy I was going to use to ___________ (go to the park, etc.)”  Then walk away for a few minutes. When they complain about the loss of privilege, you use the “ownership of the problem” tool as outlined above and follow it up with the “I noticed that” tool.

These are just a few ideas to bring an experience to your children that teach them they are responsible for what words they use. Experience teaches, not warnings, lectures or threats.


From Laurie - I have 2 kids, a 3.5 yo boy and 1.5 yo girl.  My son has become an enforcer of the rules with my little one.  Here are some recent examples:  "We don't hit" (while shoving her away) "you didn't finish your dinner so no dessert." (While flaunting his dessert in her face.) "Don't touch the book with messy fingers!" (While ripping the book out of her hand.)  The rules are correct, but his approach is anything but kind and my little one screams in revolt.  I know he just wants things to be fair.  How do I get him to understand that she is still learning the rules and Mommy handles the discipline?  Thanks for your advice.

Great question, Laurie.  When he becomes the “enforcer” you simple “uh-oh” him. Uh-oh is time-out.  Here are the steps to Uh-oh:

  1. Get near the child (when he learns the meaning of Uh-oh he will run-way)
  2. Say “Uh-ohhhhhhh, time to go to your room until you are not bossy”
  3. Now it is time for choices: A) Door open or B) Door closed
  4. If he does not answer, you leave the door open. If he follows, you say, “ uh-oh, I guess you choose shut.”  If he comes out before you give him permission, you say “uh-oh, I guess you choose locked.” The locked door seems harsh, but it is easiest way to take control of the situation and when he learns the meaning of "uh-oh” he will say “door open” and use self –control to stay in his room.  Be sure NOT to hold the door handle, he will feel you on the other side and it will fuel the anger. Take the time to put a lock on the door, it is worth it!
  5. After he is calm, set a timer for one minute per age he is old.
  6. When he makes it the 3 minutes, say “time to come out son” and give him a hug. NO lectures or asking why he was in there. It is the experience that will teach him not to boss his sister.
  7. As a follow up, when you see him using nice words, simply say, “I notice that you are letting mommy be the boss of your sister and you are being her brother, great job!”

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Liann Smith is an independent facilitator of the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent® cirricula.  She is also the mother of three grown children as well as a foster parent of two little ones.  Impact Parenting is a non-profit based in North Bend and offers parent coaching (on location, in office, or by phone) as well as Love and Logic classes.

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If YOU have a question for Liann, please leave a comment below or send an email to danav(at)macaronikid(dot)com.  Liann will be providing answers again in April.