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This Mother's Day Remember: You Deserve a Present!

By Dana Macario, local mom May 5, 2011

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then being a mother means having to say things like "Please take that rectal thermometer out of your mouth" and "How many times do I have to tell you? I don't like it when you put my mascara on the dog!"

Each year, as Mother's Day rolls around, mothers around the country say nonsensical things like "Oh, no need to get me anything. Having you kids is present enough." To that I say: Hooey. Day in and day out, mothers work their tushes off caring for their kids as they do and say crazy things.

Today, I'm just going to say it. I deserve a gift. It needn't be large or expensive (though it'll be better if it is) but it does need to be at least breakfast in bed followed by time where I can veg out on the couch and watch something other than Max & Ruby.

A quick review of some of my Facebook status updates and tweets over the past year are provided as evidence for why I deserve at least a Mother's Day, if not a Mother's Week celebration.

  1. I just told my daughter that Ernie (from Sesame Street) was orange because he's a tanorexic. I need to get out.
  2. When my daughter's pediatrician walked into the exam room this morning he cracked up, then apologized, saying "I know I shouldn't laugh at you. This is your life right now but just trying to keep them alive can be a full-time job sometimes." This is from a man who's surrounded by toddlers all day. The really sad part is that on our scale of chaos, I wouldn't have even ranked that moment very high.
  3. I have a tip for CIA interrogators. If you want to quickly break someone's will, send them jeans shopping with two toddlers who say things (loudly enough for the entire dressing room to hear) like: "Do those jeans not fit either, Mommy?" and "Why are you jumping? I can jump too - watch me jump with you." Subjects will be completely demoralized in 20 minutes or less.
  4. Sharing a bed with a toddler is a bit how I envision trench warfare. Every inch of new territory gained is a hard-fought battle, surprise attacks of sharp knees to the lower back and the slightest miscalculation has you losing ground you'd once worked so hard to establish as your own.
  5. Having spent a good portion of the weekend with my 1yo son tugging at my pants, yelling "Carry ME!," I have a new sympathy for Sherpas. I gave birth to him so I put up with it but if I were some Tibetan guy I'd go off on the climbers telling them to shove off and carry their own crap up the mountain.
  6. I find it incredibly difficult to ignore someone screaming my name over and over again. I don't know how celebrities do it when the paparazzi is stalking them. I just have one toddler yelling, "Dana! Dana! Dana Maroof!" (which is what she thinks my middle name is, rather than Maree) and I can hardly think straight.
  7. The dumber the dog, the stronger the stomach? I couldn't figure out why the dog had purple foam coming out of his mouth - until I couldn't find the sidewalk chalk... You know he won't get the least bit sick from it either, which means no lessons learned
  8. My son has clearly figured out what the monitor does because he's hitting it and yelling "Mommy, come here!" right now. If he tries to order room-service, we're going to have a serious chat.
  9. Pukefest 2011 - Day 3: I'm officially immune to being vomited on. So, go ahead and send me your nauseous, your hung-over, your food-poisoned masses, yearning to hurl free...
  10. Tonight the Cleaning Products Manufacturers of America are celebrating because my son has started using the potty. Holy little boy fountain. I was so not prepared for that...
  11. There's so much table-dancing going on at my house now I'm starting to feel like I live in a frat where the keg cups have been replaced with sippy cups.
  12. Few things will make you beg for your husband's immediate return home like watching a wet, naked toddler running down the hall with a vase yelling "I find a breakable!"
  13. I'm going to look into the warranties for products delivered at Swedish Hospital. The two we got came with defective sleep mechanisms and it might be time to look into the refund policy.

This year, moms, do yourself a favor. Read some of your Facebook status updates and remind yourself of how hard you work and say "Yes! I deserve not just a present but a bona fide award for the work I do!" because you know what? You do deserve it.  Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Dana Macario is a Issaquah mom to two sleep-depriving toddlers. She is currently developing an alarm clock that will start an IV coffee drip 10 minutes prior to wake-up time. Once properly caffeinated, she blogs at www.18years2life.com and is a contributor to TODAY Moms. If you're a Tweeting sort of folk, follow her @DanaMacario on Twitter.