Hello! My name is Katie Ramsburgh, LMFTA, and I am a marriage and family therapist in Snoqualmie, WA. I frequently find myself having the same conversations with families and thought it might be helpful to address some of the issues that we discuss in the hopes that more families will also get some help and guidance from the information shared here.
You can learn more about me at www.healinghomecounseling.com and please feel free to email me with your anonymous questions at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
Question: My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What do you suggest?
Answer: Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact, you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any number of things can set them off.
Kids require our guidance to learn emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling doesn't help. There is a solution. The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or frustrated what helps you to feel better?"
Keep exploring self soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly. We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is important to let your child know that this is not a punishment. Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
www.parentingcounts.org is a fantastic free research based resource that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help your child learn to process and express their emotions.
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Katie Ramsburgh M.A., LMFTA
Marriage and Family Therapist
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