Q: My daughters are 10 and 8. They are good friends, but they fight all of the time. I’d like to give them some skills to solve problems and end conflict. What do you suggest?
A: It can be exhausting to feel like you’re doing the job of a UN Peacekeeper just to keep the peace in your home. I think that there are a couple of helpful things you can do.
First, I am a big fan of discussing how to handle conflict when there is no conflict. Having a plan will help you to remain calm instead of reacting in the moment which can result in a regrettable incident for everyone involved. I recommend that families sit down and discuss how they will de-escalate the fight and what consequences are appropriate and agreed upon. Both parents have to feel comfortable with carrying out the chosen consequence. It is important to remember that in the midst of the fight both kids (and maybe even you) are feeling emotionally flooded and will not be able to talk about what happened. It is better to have a predetermined cooling off plan to give each kid (and you) the space to calm down. In a big fight, each person should cool down for at least 20 minutes before you try to talk about what happened. Cool down suggestions: reading quietly, doing an art project alone, hanging out with a favorite pet or spending some time outside.
Second, Dr. John Gottman uses an amazing intervention with couples called The Rappaport Conflict Blueprint. I use this intervention with couples and with families. It is a great way for individuals to move from attack-defend mode.
Here is how I would use it in this situation:
1. The parent should tell each child that they should stop trying to convince others that they are right and their sibling is wrong. (Each child has their own perspective so this argument will go nowhere and will result in another conflict.)
2. No blaming, during the conversation everyone needs to use “I statements”. (Parents please give an example.)
3. They should choose who will talk first and who will listen. Both kids will get a chance to talk.
4. The kid who is talking should tell the kid who is listening what they feel using “I statements”, and then they should say what they need in a positive tense. (I need instead of I don’t need.)
5. When the speaker is done talking the listener should repeat back what they heard the other person felt and what they need and what part of that makes sense to them.
6. It is ok to ask questions to make sure you understand each other well.
7. Switch roles.
Parents, kids will need coaching and help with this exercise. The goal is not to decide who is right and who is wrong. The goal is to move the kids from attack-defend mode into a conversation. Once each kid feels understood, you can move to problem solving. This takes time at first, but once everyone gets used to it this will become second nature and you won’t have to intervene as often.
Katie Ramsburgh M.A., LMFTA
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marketing & Social Media Manager,Product Development
The Gottman Institute
206-607-8689
http://www.healinghomecounseling.com
