Question: What do I do when my kid throws a tantrum just as we are walking out the door?
Answer: That’s a great question, and this has happened to all of us. Kids throw tantrums for many reasons, and you are the expert on your child. With the multitudes of books on parenting and discipline, it’s easy to second guess yourself. BUT, you should listen to your instincts.
Ask yourself, is this about getting my attention, avoiding school, or frustration about something that just happened? Once you’ve determined the cause, it could be one or none of these reasons; you can move the tantrum along by naming the problem. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this, “Name it to Tame it”. So you might say, “I can see that you are frustrated about not being able to find an umbrella to take to school, and I hear that you’re angry about it. I know it’s a bummer to feel that way.”
Naming the problem and feelings and validating your child’s feelings will help to calm them a bit. Remember, according to Dr. John Gottman, validating your child’s feelings does not mean that you agree with them or that their behavior is ok, it simply means that you understand why they feel what they feel.
After naming and validating, it’s fine to say, “it’s ok that you’re mad, but we’re going to be late, so, you’re going to have to be mad in the car. I am leaving now, are you coming?” Once you’re in the car, hopefully you’re feeling a bit less stressed about time and you can connect about what your child is expecting that day. If they are feeling worried about school, you can discuss it. If they want attention, now they are getting your positive attention. And, if the real issue is that your child simply wanted the umbrella, ask them what they would have done had they had the umbrella. Often asking your child to imagine the outcome they wanted helps them to calm down and feel better about the outcome.
As always, if you have questions, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
- Katie Ramsburgh M.A., LMFTA, Marriage and Family Therapist
- Marketing & Social Media Manager, Product Development
- The Gottman Institute
- 206-607-8689
- http://healinghomecounseling.com/
Here is an archive of Katie’s previous Macaroni Kid Columns:
