The question that I get asked most often by parents of young children is what should I do when my child is having a tantrum at the grocery store? The short answer is, be prepared to leave.
Sometimes, when possible, you may just need to leave the grocery store. If you can’t leave, and you have the time and patience to engage in a parenting opportunity, go for it. Giving two solid choices with clear consequences can squelch a temper tantrum. But, sometimes it just is not that simple.
Every parent has lived through the grocery store tantrum, and many of us live in fear of it. I often find myself planning my errand route in relation to how I can anticipate my 4-year-old will feel throughout the day. I factor in hunger, frustration, boredom, sleepiness, etc. I really try to help our outings go smoothly. And, it doesn’t always matter. Despite my planning, and bag full of snacks, the meltdown happens. I am usually prepared to leave the store when these melt downs begin, but sometimes you’ve just got to get in and out now.
Last Sunday the girls and I were trying to get through a big day of errands. Three stops were done, and we had two left. I knew I was pushing them. (We all know when we’re asking a little too much of our kids, and we do it anyway. We’ve got to get stuff done, right?) I was loading the bags into the car when I saw Ainslie (4) shaking Hadley’s (9 mos.) car seat. I knocked on the window and said, “stop”. Ainslie looked at me, scrunched up her face and said, “no!” By the time I got around to her side of the car to talk about what she had said, she was in her car seat, hands neatly folded in her lap, and she sweetly looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry mama.” I told her I was glad that she was sorry, but that talking back and shaking her sister’s car seat are not ok. And, because she did those things we would not be going to the book store to get a new book. To my relief, she took it pretty well.
We got to the grocery store to pickup dinner, and I made my fateful mistake. According to Dr. John Gottman, parents start 75% of all conflicts with their children, and it’s usually attached to some kind of parental agenda. In my experience, this is absolutely true.
So, we get into the grocery store for one critical ingredient for dinner. JUST ONE THING! Ainslie asks if she can push the little grocery cart. Sticking to my guns about teaching her that we don’t talk back and we respect each other’s space (my parental agenda), I said no and gave her the reason why. BIG MISTAKE! The howling, screaming and crying that followed were amazing. I am confident that every person in the store turned to look at us.
As quickly as possible, I picked up our item and went through the self-checkout. It took probably 5 minutes and Ainslie screamed at the top of her lungs the whole time about how mean I am, etc. I chose not to try to get her to stop, because it was a short trip. I got her to the car and buckled in. I took a deep breath, leaned my head in and said to my still screaming child, “mama needs a time out. I closed the door again, and took some deep breaths until my heart rate was down and I didn’t feel like screaming at her.
Once in the car, Ainslie pleaded, “mama what were you doing?” I explained that sometimes when we get really mad we need to take a moment to cool down before we talk to each other again. I asked her if she could take a moment on the way home to take some deep breaths and cool down. She told me no and said she would need my help to do that. Because I had taken the time to calm myself down, I was cool and able to sit with her when we got home to take some deep breaths and help her cool down.
Once we both had taken the time to let out the steam, we were able to talk about our feelings at the grocery store. Ainslie told me that she was frustrated and mad at me because I wouldn’t let her use the little cart. I told her that I understood how she felt and maybe I was wrong, but I was still feeling mad about her behavior. I also shared with her that I was feeling frustrated at the grocery store by her behavior. I asked her what she needed next time in order to prevent that from happening again. Ainslie told me that she needed me to talk with her and not be in such a hurry. That seemed like a fair answer, and I agreed that next time I would try to slow down, not be so quick to say “no”, and talk with her about her request.
Taking the time to calm down helped us both to avoid escalating the conflict and ensured that no one’s feelings were dismissed. Because we were both calm, when we talked we were able to discuss a solution. And, because emotion coaching is a part of our everyday lives both at home and at Ainslie’s school, Ainslie has an extensive emotional vocabulary. She is able to say what she feels instead of just showing it, and that makes all of our interactions easier.
No one can avoid the grocery store tantrum entirely, but we can make the most of the parenting opportunity and model for our kids how to cool down when our feelings are making us hot. No one does it right every time. I make mistakes all the time. We all do. One of the best things we can do for our relationships is to learn to recognize the signs that we are getting emotionally flooded and take the time to calm ourselves down. When our heart rate remains low, we are better able to think straight and help our kids navigate what they are feeling. Teaching kids to calm themselves is a skill that they will serve them well in all areas of their lives.
As always, if you have questions, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
- Katie Ramsburgh M.A., LMFTA, Marriage and Family Therapist
- Marketing & Social Media Manager, Product Development
- The Gottman Institute
- 206-607-8689
- http://healinghomecounseling.com/
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Here is an archive of Katie’s previous Macaroni Kid Columns
