I have always been skeptical of anyone who calls themselves an expert. It’s probably because I believe that there are many valid points of view and the word expert feels so definitive. Parenting is not a black and white issue. There are many perspectives and possibilities. I have spent many years studying in school and working with kids and families in an effort to gain more knowledge about childhood development. For that reason, I can say that I have expert knowledge… This coupled with a colorful childhood in a closely-knit and very large extended family in Minnesota have taught me everything that I know about parenting and mistakes.
I am currently working on editing and contributing to a parenting workshop by Drs. John & Julie Gottman. The Gottman’s are experts in Emotion Coaching. I have been working with them for three years, and I have learned valuable skills that I use with my clients and my kids, but I still make mistakes. And, the question the parents that I see most commonly think in my office, and sometimes ask is, “Does she actually do this at home? -or- What is the worst thing she has ever said to her kids?” True confession, I’ve made every mistake that you’ve made.
Two weeks ago in the middle of editing the parenting manual, I yelled at my daughter to, “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” I had tried three times to ask her to give me a minute to wake up, but she was determined to get me out of bed. Needless to say, she left in tears. And, yes, the next thought through my head was, “you actually teach other people how to parent?”
Every parenting mistake is a parenting opportunity to model repair attempts for our children. The truth is that we all make mistakes. We create kids who respect us by respecting them. When I yelled at my daughter, I went back later and apologized. Admitting when we make mistakes and apologizing to our kids shows them that we respect them and that it is okay to say, “I’m sorry”. Kids often have a hard time apologizing, because they are usually embarrassed. I get it. I was embarrassed that I yelled at my daughter. You have to be brave to admit your mistakes.
Admitting our mistakes is the first step. The second step is to let it roll off your back. Kids can be really hard on themselves when they make a mistake, and it’s our job as parents to teach them how to learn from a mistake and move on. We can do this by modeling it. When I yelled at my daughter, I apologized and acknowledged her feelings, and then we moved on to making breakfast together. I think that parents are way too hard on themselves. It’s important to work hard at parenting, but it is equally important to know that kids are resilient.
Remember, it’s easy for parenting educators, myself included, to give really good advice that is difficult to do in real life. There are two reasons for that; it takes practice and it’s easy for a parent educator to demonstrate with your child because I am not emotionally connected to your kid. You are, and that’s why it’s so hard. I can ask your child open ended questions about any given situation until the cows come home, but with my own child I’m emotionally invested with my own parental agenda and that’s why I make mistakes too.
So the next time that you yell at your kids and then feel really bad about it remember to: stop, forgive yourself, cool down, make a repair attempt, don’t expect perfection from yourself or your kids, move on and have fun.
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As always, if you have questions, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
Katie Ramsburgh M.A., LMFTA,
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marketing & Social Media Manager, Product Development
The Gottman Institute
425-988-4408 -or- 206-607-8689
healinghomecounseling.com
Here is an archive of Katie’s previous Macaroni Kid Columns
Feel free to email your questions to Katie at anytime; they will remain anonymous.
